Being Thankful with a Broken Heart

It is November, the month of being grateful. And I do have a lot to be thankful for. I will admit, I wrote this post more for me than anything else. Writing really is the best therapy.

***Trigger Warning***

It was my husbands families year for Thanksgiving, so we had our trip all planned to San Diego. We were going to get all the cousins together and have a fun, adventure filled week. One tradition they have is to go around the table, after everyone has eaten Thanksgiving Dinner, and say what they are grateful for. I’m sure a lot of people have this tradition, but the Bosens take this very seriously! I began preparing my speech at the beginning of the month because goodness, I have so much to be grateful for. My in-laws always have these amazing things to say and I wanted to be prepared.

I was ready.

  • Taelynn and her fabulous zeal for life. The happiness she brings when she walks in the room. Her sense of humor and sensitivity to others.
  • Tyce and his huge heart. How much he loves love. The excitement he shows when he sees his family. The way he paves his own path.
  • Matt for his hold on life. His strong willpower to provide for his family. The love and devotion he shows to me and the kids. His ability to forgive and love.
  • To Tyce’s birth family for the relationship with them that they have given us.
  • My parents and siblings and the close relationships I have with them. The fact that they can love me despite my flaws and set such great examples for me and my kids.
  • My in-laws and the fact that they welcomed me into their family so easily. That I can feel like part of the family when I am with them. For their hard work to build and keep relationships with everyone.
  • Our house that we are building and the many people that have helped make that possible.
  • My uncle for letting us live in his house rent free.
  • My friendships I have cultivated through the years.
  • The list goes on

BUT THEN, I was going to say how excited I was that we were going to have our BIG THREE making his or her way into our lives June 14, 2017.

At least, that is everything I wanted to say…BUT… because life is never predictable, I was only able to get out the generic response, “I am grateful for my kids and my husband.” The end.

But in those few seconds, so much was spinning through my mind.

Matt and I had been preparing an announcement. We had the nursery all designed, we were picking out our new car, because frankly three carseats don’t fit across the backseat of a Subaru. We were as ready as we could in the circumstance.

At 10 weeks to the day, the week before Thanksgiving, I knew something was wrong. It’s hard to explain the pain of a miscarriage to someone that has never gone through it. I had a miscarriage before Taelynn, but it was early enough along I didn’t have to go through the whole process of delivery. This time was a little different.

We went to the doctor to get an ultrasound, but I already knew. Before the doctor came in the room I could hear her tell the nurse that she couldn’t go in my room yet because she needed to get her emotions in check. It was oddly comforting to hear that because when she came in, in full doctor mode, I knew that she really did care. Taelynn and Tyce were so quiet during the ultrasound. It was like they could sense the pain in the room. Because my doctor stayed so professional, it helped me keep my emotions together. The last thing I wanted was to walk through the waiting room of people, with tears streaming down my face. She asked me if I had any questions, but of course my mind was blank. I chose to go home and deliver. I should have asked what to expect, but I didn’t.

Pain is an interesting thing. Because when you feel it emotionally, it somehow changes you physically. The hardest thing about it, is everyone expresses it differently. So comforting someone becomes a case by case basis. And because it’s “just” a miscarriage, and those are common, right? The full weight of the loss doesn’t register with outsiders unless they have gone through it as well. But for us, we knew this baby. We had hope for the future, names picked out, carseats in my shopping cart. I was already stressing about being a mom of three. How was I going to leave the house? How was I going to function? The worries were real. My love was real. This baby was real. It was mine. And now they are gone.

So now I am left going over every negative thought I had during my pregnancy and wondering if I would have been more positive, would that have changed the outcome. I know that isn’t logical, but maybe it is…

The miscarriage happened the same night I went to the doctors. It felt like I was going into labor, only worse because there is no hope through the pain. When someone says a miscarriage is like a heavy period, that is the understatement of a century. I thought I was bleeding to death. It took 5 hours of heavy contractions to pass what was left of my baby. And finally at 3 in the morning it was done. I didn’t even know what was happening. Matt and I were in to much shock to really process or make logical decisions. So now, part of me is flushed down a dirty toilet, because there is no guide to handle anything like this.

We debated whether or not to still go to California. If we didn’t have our kiddos we probably would have stayed home. But, we decided we still have them and we can’t put their lives on hold. They don’t understand what pain means yet, and I don’t want to introduce them to it, yet. So we put on our brave faces, pretended life was ok and we loaded the kids up and went on our way. Trying to avoid facing the reality we were in.

We named the baby Tito. Matt came up with it. Our first baby we called baby T, so rather than calling this baby T2, we though Tito was a little more fitting. Ironically, I have a great cousin somewhere named Tito. I’ve always loved the name, but I thought it would be hard for people to say, so I took it off my baby list. Well, now I have my baby Tito. I had a strong feeling he was a boy. And, he was very much like his daddy because he LOVED fruits and veggies. Junk food made him super nauseous. Except Rice Krispies. Those were always ok!

IMG_8898.PNGMy awesome friend sent me an article entitled “A Woman’s Sacrifice,” by Kathryn Soper. I highly recommend this article to everyone. A line she said really stuck out to me. She wrote, “It wasn’t a waste.” I firmly believe this. I keep telling myself this over and over again, and most of you have probably gotten this response from me when asking if I am ok. It wasn’t a waste. The last two and a half months of my life, I got to be Tito’s guard and protector. Protecting him from the outside forces of the world. I gave him a body so that he can be resurrected one day. Mostly though, he has changed me for the better because I am no longer the Aubree I was. I have more love, more courage and more faith. And I couldn’t have become this person on my own.

All my babies have come to us through a rainbow. Taelynn was my first, coming shortly after my first miscarriage. Then Tyce, coming shortly after a failed adoption. So I have faith that my next rainbow baby is waiting patiently.

I remember a woman saying to my mom, several years ago, “If one of your kids dies it will be ok because you have three more!” It completely baffled me then, but even more now as I look at my two little rainbows that I get to raise and the two others that are close by. Each of them has a piece of my heart and together they make it whole.

Today, I am celebrating Tito. I can breathe a little more today and I am going to make it count. Every child deserves to be celebrated and Tito is no different.

I may not physically have my third little pea, but one day my pod will be full.

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Mischief Managed

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With “Harry Potter and the Cursed Child” making its way to shelves, I felt like now was the perfect time to share my own journey to becoming a witch. I’ll be honest, I’m a full out geek when it comes to HP. I did shed a few tears, as Matt can confirm, but I am not ashamed. I am so excited to bring the world of Harry Potter to my own children’s life.

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In honor of Harry Potters birthday, we planned a July visit to the magical world of Hogwarts. Yes, the tickets are a little pricey and the rides aren’t the greatest, but the atmosphere was simply spell binding. We plan to take another trip as a family just for that, given this time we will wait until they are older. BUT, i’ll be honest, the kids actually loved it despite their age.

You get to the main entrance of Hogsmead and it’s like walking into your best dream. Everything looks just like how I imagined it. It’s beautiful. We immediately headed towards Hogwarts castle. The castle itself is the line for a ride, but just waiting in line is amazing. The pictures even talked to you. The ride itself… it made me want to throw up all my chocolate frogs, but it was still creative.

In the past, we have tried to make homemade Butterbeer, but it is nothing compared to real life, Three Broomsticks, Butterbeer. We got the frozen kind, which was more like a slushy and the kids LOVED it. While the barista was pouring it, she totally ripped out the nozzle and the slush was gushing out everywhere. I was so tempted to run and put my mouth under it, but I stayed composed and held myself back. Well, Matt held me back. What a waste…

We went back to sit down and the kids guzzled the drinks. They couldn’t drink it fast enough. And when Matt and I would try and get our own drink they would move around to all the other family members in an effort to get the most creamy goodness that they could.  My sister also got a pumpkin juice and says it is her new favorite drink, so if you plan to visit anytime soon, know that both drinks are good options.

It was extremely important to me that I visit IMG_8655Ollivanders while we were there. It would have been a travesty if we didn’t. I was really hoping that I could have been the one that had a wand choosen for them, however, when you are holding a baby, the workers seem to look right past you… But don’t fret, I will survive. That didn’t stop me from letting a wand choose me, though. I spent a good 40 minutes wandering around the shop waiting for a wand to speak to me. In the end, I picked Sirius Blacks wand. I feel like I could relate a lot to him in the books and I really admire the qualities he possesses. He is fiercely loyal and protective. He is head strong and physically and mentally tough, sometimes to tough. He is not afraid to stand up for himself or others. And, he is an amazing friend. Plus, we are both Gryffindors. I am also happy to report that Taelynn was just as excited as I was! I still have to work on Tyce a little bit…

We did eventually venture out to the rest of Universal Studios. I was so amazed at how well the kids did, especially in the blazing heat. They were intrigued with the shows, especially the animals in the movies. They loved getting to pet them all at the end! Even Taelynn, who is normally terrified of animals.

Just look at their faces! They were staring at the stage the entire show.

My grandma and grandpa were with us, which was a blast! And let me just say, they are troopers! My grandma was so against using a wheelchair despite her bad knees, but eventually gave in half way through the day. That is when she discovered that having a wheelchair at a theme park has it’s benefits. We got to go straight to the front of the line from there on out. (It was a packed day to!)

There was a lot of walking and sites to see, PLUS donuts the size of our faces to eat! One of the highlights was going on the studio tour. We were able to see inside the studio filming Superstore. Plus, we got to experience a flash flood inside a subway station. It’s amazing how our imaginations really are the limit. (Fun Fact: Growing up I always wanted to be a movie director or videographer).

Overall, the day was a success and I am so happy we got to share some of the magic with our kids!

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Next stop…DISNEYLAND!!! Haha I wish…. eventually though!

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Down and Dirty

A party isn’t a party unless you are rolling around in the mud! It’s natures natural exfoliant. Although, it hurts a little more than a sugar scrub…

For Matt’s 26 birthday, we celebrated by running The Dirty Dash in Soldier Hollow. It was an absolute blast! Our team was called the “Birthday Suits!”(in honor of Matt). Somehow that was interpreted to mean short shorts and cut t-shirts. We were joined by my brothers and our friends Jared and Dalton. My parents and Jared’s adorable pregnant wife Whitney came along for the party and to play with our kids while we were on the course.

Now for any of you that are wondering, this is an out of shape persons Spartan race. We gave up trying to run after the starting line went straight up a muddy hill, although, to our credit, we did go the full 10K. We trekked though mud, swam through swampy water, crawled through tubes, climbed up rope nets and walls. We were shot at with water cannons, thrown over slides of doom and dropped into questionable pits. BUT we survived.

There was one particular challenge that almost ended my game. I always thought I loved water slides until I met this particular death contraption. They set it up to make you believe you are racing to the top with three of your friends, when in reality, as soon as you go over the side you are shooting to your demise. Matt, Camden, Jared and Dalton went first. I could hear their screams, but assumed they were screams of Joy. Ethan, Baylee and I were next. Being the competitive family we are, we didn’t hold anything back. I grabbed onto the rope that helped you climb the air filled steps and shimmied my way to the top. I could see that Ethan and Baylee were neck and neck with me, so rather than setting myself up to go down the slide on my rear, I just dove head first. I regretted that decision immediately. Now, when these huge blow up slides are set up at fairs they are dry and you land in a soft pad of grass, however, in this case they were more like a muddy waterslide that dropped off into rocks. I was going so fast, there was no possibility of stopping and I landed in what I would describe as a baseball slide, belly flop. My body skidded along the rocky floor a good several feet, knocking the air completely out of me. My legs and belly looked like I got in a fight with a tiger and the tiger won. To be honest, I don’t even remember if I won or not.

Right after us, another group of guys went down and it ended badly for them as well. They had blood coming out all over the place! We weren’t surprised when we saw several ambulances make their way up to the spot as we were farther along in the race.

After that challenge, our energy was basically gone. But, by inspiration, my dad and Taelynn met us on the course to cheer us on! Both Taelynn and Tyce were completely fascinated by all of the dirt and grime. And I am happy to report, it didn’t stop them from diving at Matt and I, wanting us to hold them.

Finally, after “racing” 3 hours we walked across the finish line! A glacier cold shower, some peanut butter cheerio squares and a big drink of water later, and we were ready for a nap!

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But, instead of sleeping WE HAD TO KEEP CELEBRATING! We went to CPK for dinner with Whitney and Jared and then made a pit stop at Roll With It for dessert. It was DELICIOUS! At CPK this lovely old man couldn’t take his eyes off of Tae and Ty. He literally came over to our table 2 different times to tell us how adorable they were and to pinch their cheeks. A little weird…but I can’t blame him because I think they are the most perfect beings to ever be on this earth!

I dare say, it was a pretty spectacular birthday, wouldn’t you agree Matthew?

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The Importance of a Name

Choosing a name for our kids has been very important to Matt and I. We put a lot of thought into it, and make sure that there is a story behind it.

The day after we were sealed to Tyce, Matt was able to give him a fathers blessing in which he gave Tyce his official name that would be kept in the records of the church. Taelynn received her blessing in August, just a couple months after she was born. (I didn’t have a blog then, so you get to hear about both of our little miracles.)

The name we chose for Tyce is Tyce Mitchell Kabua Bosen. 

A lot of people have asked me where we came up with the name, so here is your answer. Since I was in elementary school Ty has always been my favorite boys name. I knew that my first boy was going to carry that name. When I think of the name, I think of power and culture. I also feel that it is a gentle, yet manly name. I could see a baby with that name and I could see an adult with that name. I didn’t want it to be Tyler or Tyson or any of the other names that could be shortened to Ty because that just wasn’t fitting. I just wanted Ty.

When I was living in Russia, one of the girls that I was living with was telling me about her friend Tyce. I had never heard that before and I really liked it! I still had the ability to say Ty, but it added some more… character. So I locked it into my name bank.

When Matt and I got married, I had three girls names and 3 boys names. I gave him full veto power if he didn’t like one, but to my surprise he only vetoed one of the names. It worked out though, because I wasn’t fully invested in the name he did veto. But, we did know that our first girl would be Taelynn and our first boy would be Tyce. I’ll explain her name in a little bit. So now that we knew their first names it came time to middle names.

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Originally, we had a different middle name picked out for Tyce. I won’t reveal it here, because I still want to use it in the future, and I want that person to be surprised when they find out our child is named after them. 🙂 BUT, when I was on the plane to Arkansas, I was sitting next to my dad, and he had a way about him that was making me feel so at peace. Here I was, in the most stress filled situation, and my dad was completely calm and supportive; knowing exactly what to say. He never questioned Matt or I, but instead, trusted our instinct and the spiritual promptings we had received. After we landed, my dad went to gather our luggage and I was standing back with Taelynn. I called up Matt and asked him what he thought about making Tyce’s middle name Mitchell (My dad’s name is Glade Mitchell). He said he loved it and that was that. The name Mitchell to us stands for hard work, integrity, love, trust, devotion and spiritual strength. Those are all things we hope for Tyce.

As we got closer and closer to the finalization day, I couldn’t help but feel like something was missing from Tyce’s name. It didn’t feel complete. I was talking to his birth mom one day and learned more about her last name Kabua. The name Kabua comes from Kabua the Great, renowned paramount chief. To date, the two RMI presidents (Republic of the Marshall Islands), are grandsons of Kabua the Great. Well, being part of a culture that loves genealogy, I thought this was really neat. So we gave Tyce the second middle name, Kabua, in honor of his birth mom. The name for us stands for love, sacrifice, family, culture and heritage.  And just like that, his name felt complete.

We can’t forget my little Taelynn Fedelina. When I was younger, I used to baby sit a little girl named Taelyn. It was such a fun time. She was the most ADORABLE baby, and I loved the responsibility of taking care of a baby. Her family was incredible and I only have happy memories when I think of the time we lived next to them. That name has always stayed with me because it was a time that I learned responsibility and I guess you could say, my motherly instinct came out.

BUT, what made it even more special is that it carried the name Lynn as part of it. My mother’s middle name is Lynn and she then gave me the middle name Lynn. So I guess you could say it is tradition. On top of that, my grandma’s name is Carolyn. Both my grandma and my mom are two of the most influential people in my life. From them I learned service, love, gratitude, friendship…you name a good quality and those two woman possess it.

But, while we are going off the importance of the name Lynn, we have to add Matt’s grandpa into the mix (because not everyone can be named after my family! hahaha!) Matt’s paternal grandpa is also named Lynn. Talk about packing meaning into a name.

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Fedelina, this name came to me shortly before I gave birth. I knew that Taelynn was already named after my mom and my paternal grandma, but it didn’t feel right leaving out the third most influential person in my life, my Grandma Esther, my maternal grandmother. She grew up catholic and as such, has several names. I tried to memorize them once, but I don’t fully remember all of them (she didn’t remember all of them right away either, so I feel a little better). One of her middle names is Frieda. However, my grandma is Spanish, so if you were to say Freida in spanish it would be Fedelina. How beautiful is that?! So of course, it had to be. So, Tae may hate us when she has to fill in the little bubbles to write her name on tests in the future, but I feel like it will all be worth it. Those names stand for courage, love, charity, honesty, virtue, devotion, love, hard work, perseverance, a little bit of stubbornness but most of all family. (I kind of sound like I am checking off the Young Woman’s theme…)

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I don’t think there is anything more powerful than watching all these strong influential men in your life, standing around your child in a wall of protection, giving a blessing to my most precious gifts. Both times I have been able to experience this with my children my heart has burst, as I feel at peace that my kids will always be protected and watched over. I don’t know if all of you men know the gentle power you have. I sincerely thank you, for honoring your priesthood and using it to bless and protect my children.

Matt gives the most beautiful blessings, and I am so glad that I have friends and family members that were smart enough to record them. I can’t wait to let Taelynn and Tyce listen to them in the future. As a mom, there is something so heart warming about listening to your husband, the father of your children, talk to God and ask our Heavenly Father to grant these blessings on our babies. What is more attractive than a father that loves his children beyond comprehension?!

I felt like I was in the movie, The Lion King, after the blessing was finished. Matt lifts our children in the air, presenting them to the ward, and you can hear a rumble of happiness and “awe’s.” You can bet that puts a proud smile on my face.

Of course a celebration isn’t the same without food, so afterwards we went to our house and served up our take on Cafe Rio salads. (Anyone that knows me, is that even a surprise?)

Blessing days are my happy days! Family, Food and Perfect Babies! Thank you all for helping us celebrate our wonderful children!

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Water Babies

IMG_3726You’ll quickly learn through my ramblings, if you didn’t already know this, that I don’t like being told that I can’t do something. When faced with a dilemma of being told something is impossible or that there is no way it can be done, I often think,

“Says Who?”

And then I go on to see if it is in fact out of my reach. I remember, when I was pregnant with Taelynn, someone told me that I was throwing my life away by having kids so young. I thought that was a little silly and my “never upset” husband actually became angry at the comment. However, it got me thinking about things that I could still make possible even with kids.

Two kids later and I still am determined to have a great experience through this journey, not just for my kids, but for me! Matt and I do what we can to make any adventure possible. Road trip to Las Vegas, no problem! What about a road trip to California, BRING IT! Romantic evenings aren’t dead. Goodness, I am even working to get my Real Estate License. My point is kids have never “gotten in our way.” They actually make life a lot more fun for us.

(Pictures from the first time Taelynn went swimming. It just happens to also be at the Provo Rec Center.)

Swimming was one of those things I was questioning the possibility of. Before Tyce was born, Taelynn and I would go all the time. BUT, adding another baby to the mix makes staying a float a little more challenging.

My awesome SIL is here visiting with her perfect little boys, Ben and Andy. Of course, like any 3 year old, Ben wants to get out and have adventures! So after thinking about it, I decided why not join them at the Provo Rec Center. I was slightly terrified. I packed the swim bag, made sure we had enough diapers, got the kids ready to go and a short hour later we were finally out the door.

We got to the Rec Center and I was approached with my typical questions of,

“Are you babysitting?”

“Are they both yours?”

“Are they twins?”

But I guess in a way every mom is a permanent babysitter.

Then we finally made it to the pool.

2 adults against 4 children (Jessica’s SIL on her other side also came and observed)

My children are scared of tubs of water… They are shower babies. So sitting in water up to their waist in the kiddy pool was a little traumatic. They literally were gripping each others hands and hugging each other around the waist. It was adorable to see! If I wasn’t in water I would have had a million more pictures as proof.

As they started warming up to their new surroundings, I could see their eyes light up as they started to have some fun. I braved the water, and took advantage of their clinginess, and we made it over to the lazy river. Lazy might not be the best way to describe it, as I was trying to juggle two children that decided they liked floating around.

One woman failed to realize that the section of pool she was in was designed for kids, as she kept giving my kids dirty looks and shoving past me…but not everyone can have fun swimming I guess…

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Taelynn really got excited by the end and was giving everyone that passed her a full body wave. Seriously, there is not a more animated wave in the world. I made a little barrier with my legs because Tae kept trying to swim off to play with her cousins because she is obsessed with them (the water was only about 4 inches at the deepest where we were). Tyce enjoyed looking at the water from the safety of my arms. He had a death grip on my swim suit that you wouldn’t believe, and Taelynn kept checking to make sure he was ok.

After they kids decided they were worn out (because holding onto mom is hard work) we packed ourselves up, slowly but surely, and made our way to the car. Tyce was asleep before we got to the parking lot and both were asleep by the time we got home. Let’s just say the moral of the story is, if I have stuff to do, take the kids swimming because they will sleep for hours!!

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I would say the day was a SUCCESS!

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And so it begins…

Here I am, mother to the Wonder Twins, jumping on the band wagon and starting a blog. I am awful at remembering to write in my journal (so much so, that I bought a one line a day journal and still forget), BUT I get so many questions that I thought this would be the best way to share our story and keep our record of my perfect little kiddos.

What should you expect? Laughter, tears, the good, the bad, and the snotty noses. This is going to be my online sanctuary. I’m not getting paid for this, so you can all know that everything I say is from my own mouth. So all you fellow moms out there, let’s share this journey of motherhood together.TwoPeas-LargeFont

 

I need to give credit where it is due. When I was in Arkansas, picking up Tyce, my mom called me with this fabulous idea that I needed to have a blog. She had the name ready and everything; “Two Peas from Different Pods.”It is perfect, because these two munchkins were meant to be partners in crime. I loved the idea, but put it off because…life… That is until I discovered the wonderful Megan Hargraves. She is the one that designed our logo. Isn’t it the cutest?! After seeing her work, I knew this project had to happen. Then my brother comes in. He drew the picture of my babies at the top of this post. He does it on HIS PHONE!!!! My friend Maddy was gracious enough to help me set up the blog itself. I am surrounded by talent and so I hope this blog does it justice.
Logo Design: Paradigm Design        
Photo Credit: Ethan Jones  
 Blog Design: Maddy Low (Low Designs)
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